The Humanity of Healers

In the beginning of my healing journey, I had a tendency to place those I saw as teachers, mentors, and healers on a pedestal in the plant medicine world. In my mind, they were super humans, they had gotten to a place in their lives where there was no more density to process, they never felt emotionally triggered, they lived in perfect harmony in their families, relationships, and communities, and they simply existed in and emanated love everywhere they went.

As I got to know some of these people on more of a personal level, I realized that wasn't the case. As my sensitivity became more refined I began seeing unexpressed and sometimes un-acknowledged shadows in each of my facilitators and even indigenous maestros, and at first I was crushed to see that these "perfect" human beings that I looked up to were as flawed as I was on some levels.

Some of them opened up about these shadows, both on a personal level with me and publicly through social media, and others I realized instead chose to present themselves in the perfection I had initially perceived from them. At first I found myself judging them because they were "supposed to be above all that" as space holders and leaders.

I feel this is a dangerous dynamic in the world of healing work in general. The way I perceived healers as one seeking healing seems to be quite common among seekers, and the way many healers market and present themselves appears to perpetuate this belief that they can do no wrong and have "arrived".

In my case, this belief paradigm in the overall community created an unhealthy inner perfectionism. When I began a path of serving medicine, I would fall into patterns of shame and self criticism for acting in ways that felt out of alignment with who I thought I "should" be. I would judge myself for feeling anything less than love.

I held myself to unrealistic expectations and beat myself up for feeling triggered by someone's words or actions...or at times triggered by a client while holding a more extensive space where they would be staying with me. In these cases with clients, I would not voice the triggers, but it was more of an internal process.

I would present my work from this place of feeling like I had to be (and be perceived by others) perfect and afraid that people would see the shadows I was facing internally, or could hear the self defeating thoughts in the back of my mind.

I received a beautiful and divinely timed reflection from a client-turned-friend that really resonated with my own personal process surrounding all this, and showed me the value of vulnerability and authenticity through her expressing how she perceived my work and the nature of the resonance and alignment she felt that initially called her to work with me.

Sometimes those holding healing spaces for others need a dose of their own medicine they share with others, or to allow themselves to be supported by a friend or community.

Many of us forget that healers are humans too, we have our own heavy emotions that arise, many of us experience phases of hidden layers of trauma that surface (or re-surface) to be examined, even as we hold space for others, and at times we become shrouded in the clouds of self doubt, insecurity, and unworthiness.

I realized the best thing I can do as a facilitator of this work is simply to be myself...in my authentic light, in my power, in my grace, as well as in my vulnerability, my fears and insecurity, and my perceived flaws and imperfections.

To show up as I am in every moment, and in doing so, give permission for those working with me to enter this same space of complete vulnerability where deeper healing comes. I realized that I can only help another person meet themselves to the extent that I meet myself in my daily life.

Letting go of the expectation to be or appear to be perfect, and humbly and authentically navigating through the layers of the human experience simultaneously alongside those who are coming to me for support.

I feel this shift is what is responsible for the depth my healing and plant medicine work has reached over the last couple of years, the absolutely beautiful and deeply soul-aligned clients that have felt called to work with me, and the miraculous transformations that have occurred. One recently shared that they felt all of the cancer leave their body during a week long space we shared, and just medically confirmed it to be the case  -- and I am still processing the fact that this happened.

Coming to the full realization that there is no "lesser or greater than", each of us has medicine to share and something to teach and learn from one another, regardless of who is holding the space. I am loving coming to this place  and excited to connect with those who are called to this deeper embodiment of wholeness and humanity that I am stepping into.

I work with many flavors of people and processes, but have always felt most aligned in working with fellow healers that feel "stuck" or out of alignment in their work to come back to a place of embodiment and empowerment and step into the next level of the work they share. If you feel a resonance with this sharing, you are welcome to connect with me personally!